JAK ROZMAWIAĆ, ŻEBY SIĘ DOGADAĆ !?

Czy możesz powiedzieć, że Twój związek jest idealny? Często z ukochanymi osobami toczymy wiele kłótni i bojów. O rzeczy drobne, ale i o sprawy dla nas wielkiej wagi. Nie potrafimy się zrozumieć, ustąpić i przyjąć tego, co chce nam dać druga strona. Niestety te spory i kłótnie mogą zaprowadzić nas na manowce, z których ciężko wypłynąć. Narzekamy, że coś się psuje i nie mamy na to wpływu. Czy na pewno? Jestem zwolenniczką stwierdzenia, że wina zawsze leży po dwóch stronach. Może nie jest to 50/50, lecz pewien procent mnie i moich zachowań zawsze wpływa na tę drugą ukochaną osobę i jej odczucia.

Zapytasz: co więc zrobić, jak sprawić, żebyśmy się lepiej dogadywali? Za chwilkę odpowiem.

Pozwól, że przytoczę najpierw pewien krótki list:

“Cześć Kochana!

Ania jest już pół roku na świecie, a ja chodzę coraz bardziej zdołowana. Mała jest oczywiście cudna! Zaczynamy rozszerzać dietę (nawet wychodzi), zabawnie pełza i udaje foczkę. Gaworzy tak dziarsko, że czasem nie mogę powstrzymać się od śmiechu. Jednakże kilka dni temu zaczęła częściej przebudzać się w nocy i to z dużym płaczem. Ciężko mi ją odłożyć do łóżeczka, a w naszym łóżku, to ja nie umiem z nią dobrze spać. To chyba zęby… Wstaję bladym świtem jak zombie. Wtedy się zaczyna. Mój Mareczek budzi się z uśmiechem i oznajmia, jak to wspaniale Ania dziś spała, a mnie krew zalewa. Umówiliśmy się, że skoro on chodzi do pracy, to ja opiekuję się dzieckiem w nocy. Niestety nie mogę liczyć na wielką zmianę, bo nawet w weekendy już się nie budzi, gdy Mała płacze. A mi jakoś tak głupio go budzić, bo przecież umiem dać sobie radę z dzieckiem. Jednak złość we mnie narasta. Dalej w ciągu dnia też nie jest łatwo, bo całe dnie jesteśmy praktycznie same. Już mamy swój rytm, ale nie mam czasu na odpoczynek, bo albo idziemy na spacer, albo trzeba zrobić obiad czy posprzątać. Kiedy mąż wraca z pracy chwilkę zajmuje się Aneczką, ale później chce zjeść obiad i mówi, że jest “styrany” więc idzie wyłożyć się na kanapie. Staram się to rozumieć, ale czy on nie może spróbować pomyśleć też o mnie? Że ja też mogę być zmęczona? Że potrzebuje wyrwać się z domowego marazmu? Że chcę spędzić z nim, chociaż kilka chwil sam na sam, żeby się wygadać? On też ma do mnie wiele pretensji. Kłócimy się w kółko, już nawet nie wiem o co. Nie umiem go często chwalić, fakt, ale czy jego zasługi są jakieś wielkie? Już się nawet nie całujemy, bo nie ma czasu… A może chęci? Sama nie wiem… A on się wkurza o byle co.

Powiem Ci, że marnie się czuję. Zastanawiam się cały czas co z ty zrobić. Czy po prostu zaakceptować to, jak jest i dać sobie spokój z wyrzutami czy jeszcze coś da się z tym zrobić?

Proszę, odpisz! Choć nie mam czasu dzwonić, czuję, że jesteś jedyną osobą, której mogę się wygadać.

Całuję… Kasia”

Kiedy dziecko przychodzi na świat, wiele się zmienia. Niektórzy twierdzą, że ich świat wywraca się do góry nogami. Faktycznie, już nic nie będzie takie samo. Jest Was więcej i trzeba rozszerzyć swoje serce o kolejne uczucia. Do tego hormony wariują. Jest ktoś, kim musisz się zaopiekować, a nie do końca może potrafisz odpowiedzieć na jego potrzeby. Istny rollercoaster, gdzie radość i szczęście łączy się z bezsilnością i zmęczeniem. Często na tym wszystkim najwięcej traci Twój związek, ponieważ całe rozdrażnienie przelewasz na partnera. Jednak czy tak powinno być? Przecież on jest kimś, kto był jeszcze przed chwilą całym Twoim światem. On chce być dla Ciebie (dla Was) zawsze i ciągle. To w nim się zakochałaś i postanowiłaś powierzyć mu życie swoje i dzieci. Zrozum, że dla niego to też może być trudna sytuacja i wielu rzeczy po prostu nie rozumie.

Zatem trzeba jakoś się porozumieć. Ale… Jak tu mówić o normalnej poważnej rozmowie skoro my ciągle się sprzeczamy, kłócimy i warczymy na siebie?

“Nie chodzi o to, czy się sprzeczacie, ale o to, jak to robicie” – mówi światowej sławy ekspert w kwestii związków, dr John Gottman. Człowiek ten obserwując zmagania wielu par, odkrył 4 JEŹDŹCÓW APOKALIPSY. Takim mianem nazwał 4 zachowania, których powinniśmy unikać przy kłótniach, bo mogą być zabójcze dla związku.

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Oto one:

1. KRYTYCYZM

Zadaj sobie pytanie: Jak często w swoich wyrzutach używasz słów “Ty zawsze” albo “Ty nigdy”? Trzeba mówić jasno i wyraźnie o tym, co nam się podoba lub nie oraz o swoich oczekiwaniach, bo to służy rozwojowi relacji. Jednak jest bardzo cienka granica między wyrażaniem potrzeb a krytykowaniem czyjegoś zachowania. Mówienie o problemach skupia się na wydarzeniach lub zachowaniach, które chcielibyśmy zmienić. Krytykowanie zaś atakuje osobowość partnera.

Spróbuję to pokazać na przykładzie Kasi, która napisała do mnie list. Ona chciałaby spędzać czas z mężem, mieć go trochę dla siebie, bo czuje się zmęczona  i poirytowana ciągłym siedzeniem w domu i opieką nad dzieckiem. Może przekazać to mężowi na dwa sposoby:

DOBRY “Chcę byśmy częściej wychodzili razem z domu. BRAKUJE MI rozmowy z Tobą i czasu sam na sam.”

OBWINIAJĄCY: “Nigdy nie wychodzimy z domu, bo zawsze jesteś tak zmęczony i niechętny. W ogóle nie dbasz o to, czego ja chcę”.

2. OBRONA

Chyba najbardziej instynktowną odpowiedzią na czyjś atak i zarzuty pod moim adresem jest tłumaczenie się albo przysłowiowe odbicie piłeczki. “To nie moja wina”. No tak, przecież wszystko inne jest winne, ale na pewno nie Ty. Faktycznie czasem może tak być, ale reagując w ten sposób, pokazujesz, że nawet nie chcesz zastanowić się nad swoją rolą w tym problemie, tylko zrzucasz odpowiedzialność na coś lub kogoś innego. To może frustrować druga osobę, ponieważ czuje się niewysłuchana, zwłaszcza jeśli ta kwestia pojawia się w Waszych sprzeczkach nie pierwszy raz. Postawa obronna występuje również, gdy w odpowiedzi na słowa partnera wyrażające jakiś zarzut, odpowiadasz rewanżem. Dla przykładu, gdy Marek wraca z pracy, szuka czegoś do jedzenia w lodówce i z irytacją oznajmia, że Kasia znów zapomniała kupić żółtego sera. Na to ona momentalnie wyrzuca mu, że on miał wyrzucić śmieci, kiedy szedł do pracy.

Jak więc odpowiadać? Spróbuj wziąć na siebie odpowiedzialność i jeżeli Twój partner daje Ci znać, że coś, co robisz, denerwuje go, zastanów się, czy być może nie ma racji i co takiego robisz, że jest to problemem dla niego. Może to zupełnie zmienić wasze relacje.

3. POGARDA

To jedno z najgorszych uczuć, jakie może zaistnieć w relacji. Kiedy zaczynasz odczuwać pogardę wobec swojego partnera wiedz, że to może być początek końca. Wszyscy czujemy złość, która czasem może przerodzić się w gniew, ale kiedy w tych trudnych sytuacjach jest nam już obojętne, co czuje druga strona, możesz być pewna, że nie jest dobrze. Tym bardziej, kiedy nie możesz powstrzymać się od obraźliwych wyzwisk, czy przykrych komentarzy, jesteś sarkastyczna lub po prostu go przedrzeźniasz, by pokazać jego głupotę, może to być właśnie pogarda. Ja sama lubię droczyć się z moim mężem w takich chwilach, ale staram się robić to lekko i zabawnie, to moja reakcja na zaistniały problem. Jeśli jednak Ty drażnisz się z nim, bo chcesz go zranić, to źle to wróży.

Rozwiązanie: Nie skupiaj się, na rzeczach, których w nim nie lubisz, a staraj się zauważać jego zalety. Pomyśl o tym, co dobrego wnosi on do Waszego związku i przypomnij sobie te cechy, które Cię w nim ujęły, kiedy się poznaliście. A przede wszystkim nie bądź przykra ani też wulgarna. Zachowaj kobiecą delikatność i ucz się taktu, a kiedy trzeba, przeproś, że się zagalopowałaś – to pierwszy krok do sukcesu.

4. IZOLOWANIE SIĘ

W tej sytuacji osoba, słysząc negatywne słowa pod swoim adresem, odcina się od nich. To zero reakcji albo pojedyncze odpowiedzi. Według badacza to zjawisko jest częstsze u mężczyzn. Ciężko jednak dogadać się z osobą, która ignoruje nasze słowa, jakie by nie były. Często takie osoby potrzebują chwili, by przegryźć w sobie usłyszane zarzuty. Kluczem do porozumienia w takiej sytuacji jest zdobycie się na powiedzenie, np. “Dotknęły mnie Twoje słowa, ale nie mogę w tej chwili o tym rozmawiać. Potrzebuję nieco czasu, by się uspokoić i obiecuję, że wrócimy do rozmowy, gdy się lepiej poczuję.”. I od razu wiadomo, o co chodzi, nie odbijając się boleśnie od ściany milczenia.

Pamiętaj, żeby nie odkładać wyjaśnień na dużo później. Kłóć się na bieżąco. Nie pozwalaj drobiazgom rosnąć. Według Gottmana największe szanse na  sukces mają pary o „niskim punkcie zapalnym”. Te, które szybko dają sobie znać, że coś szwankuje w relacji, i robiąc to, szukają wspólnie rozwiązania, a nie próbują się nawzajem zniszczyć. Pytanie, jak i kiedy poszukać tego rozwiązania?

Tym razem chcę zwrócić Twoją uwagę na coś, co pomogło mnie samej wiele zmienić. Często w małżeństwach przestajemy się dogadywać, kiedy pojawia się nowy członek rodziny, tak też było i u mnie. Kiedy rodzi się dziecko, jest mniej czasu dla siebie i faktycznie niedospanie i codzienna troska o nasze maleństwo może być dodatkowym wyzwalaczem wielu sprzeczek. Wtedy w sposób szczególny należy zaopiekować się związkiem, żeby Twój mężczyzna nie poczuł, że przez dziecko coś stracił, poszedł w odstawkę, już Cię nie interesuje. Również, żebyś Ty miała poczucie, że nadal jesteś kobietą swojego mężczyzny, a nie tylko matką i kurą domową. Należy przede wszystkim znaleźć CZAS DLA SIEBIE NAWZAJEM. Być może unikacie spotkań, bo każde prędzej czy później kończy się kłótnią, ale…

CO ZROBIĆ, ŻEBY SIĘ DOGADAĆ? ZACZĄĆ GADAĆ!

Najbardziej deficytowym towarem w naszych relacjach jest, moim zdaniem, ROZMOWA. Ale nie taka byle jaka, o pieluchach, kolorze kupki, lubianym serialu czy co zrobić jutro na obiad. Raczej ta szczera, która gasi konflikty i motywuje do działania, która wyzwala iskry miłości i sprawia, że dzień staje się lepszy. Kiedy mówimy do siebie o sobie i swoich potrzebach świat się zmienia. Cieszę się, że u nas w małżeństwie raz w miesiącu poświęcamy konkretny czas na odłożenie wszystkiego i skupieniu na tym, co mówi do mnie ta druga strona. To bardzo dużo w nas zmienia i widzę konkretne efekty naszego DIALOGU.

DATA takiego naszego “spotkania” przeważnie oscyluje wokół miesięcznicy naszego ślubu. To pozwala nam zachować pewną regularność i przypomina, że wierność z przysięgi, którą sobie składaliśmy przed Bogiem, polega przede wszystkim na tym, żebyśmy cały czas poznawali siebie i byli na bieżąco we wzajemnych uczuciach i opiniach.

MIEJSCE – dom, ponieważ zawsze robimy to, kiedy dzieci śpią. Jednak jeśli masz możliwość to najlepiej wyjść z domu. Pójść na spacer, do parku, gdzieś, gdzie nie wszystko będzie Ci przypominało o trudach Twojej codzienności. Oderwać się od świata, w którym żyjesz, by wszystko spokojnie i klarownie wyjaśnić.

START – Rozpoczynamy od modlitwy do Ducha Świętego, gdyż wychodzimy z założenia, że bez Ducha nie jesteśmy w stanie się zrozumieć i dogadać. To On otwiera nasze serca na krytykę i jest katalizatorem dobrych zmian w naszym małżeństwie.

MONOLOG– Następnie mówimy sobie nawzajem po 5 komplementów. Nie takich od niechcenia, np. jesteś przystojny, dobrze gotujesz, jesteś wytrwały itp. Tylko opowiadamy sobie o konkretnych sytuacjach, w których ukochana osoba nam zaimponowała i wywołała pozytywne myśli w ostatnim czasie. A po tych wszystkich słodkich słowach przychodzi czas na trochę goryczy – nad czymś trzeba pracować. Szukamy w pamięci JEDNEJ, konkretnej rzeczy/cechy, która nam przeszkadza, która wywołuje w nas złość czy rozdrażnienie. Żadne z nas nie komentuje ani nie usprawiedliwia swojego zachowania, tylko przyjmujemy to, co czuje i myśli druga osoba – to bardzo pouczające, zwłaszcza w ćwiczeniu pokory.

DYSKUSJA – Następnie rozpoczynamy rozmowę. Ona też składa się z etapów i konkretnych kwestii.

1. JA I TY– tu skupiamy się na naszych radościach i smutkach. Na tym, co jest dla mnie w tej chwili największym problemem i obawą, a co wyzwalaczem radości. W jakim miejscu jesteśmy jako małżeństwo i co można zrobić, żeby było lepiej. Jakie mamy pragnienia w stosunku do siebie nawzajem oraz co jest dla nas najważniejsze w danej chwili. Czy mamy taką samą hierarchię wartości i czy nasze małżeństwo płynie na wspólnej fali, czy gdzieś się może rozmijamy. Uczymy się też mówić o naszym akcie małżeńskim – czy jest on obowiązkiem, czy radością. W jakim stopniu umiemy otwierać się na siebie w tej dziedzinie.  Czy umiemy rozmawiać o tym, jak właściwie i nieegoistycznie podchodzić do naszej wzajemnej intymności.

2. MY I NASZE DZIECI – czy odpowiedzialność i  trud w wychowaniu rozłożony jest równomiernie na oboje z nas. W jaki sposób możemy sobie nawzajem pomagać w tych obowiązkach. Czy nasze metody wychowawcze są spójne i klarowne w odpowiednich sytuacjach życiowych. Jaka atmosfera panuje w naszym domu, czy nie brakuje w nim miłości i wyrozumiałości. Czy umiemy zachęcać i dopingować nasze dzieci. Czy umiemy wyważyć to, co istotne i to, co mało ważne, gdy czegoś od nich wymagamy. Czy dajemy im czas zarówno na naukę, jak i na zabawę. Czy znamy przyjaciół dzieci i czy wiemy co aktualnie przeżywają. Czy mają swoje obowiązki, ale i prawo głosu. Jak my się czujemy w całym procesie wychowania.

3. MY I INNI LUDZIE – opowiadamy o ważnych dla nas relacjach. Czy wszystkie relacje są zdrowe i zajmują odpowiednie miejsce w naszym małżeństwie. Rozmawiamy tu o naszej pracy, związanych z nią radościach i troskach. Zadajemy sobie pytania o zaangażowania w życie “pozadomowe”. Czy jesteśmy obojętni na potrzeby innych, czy wychodzimy z inicjatywą i jesteśmy wsparciem dla pojedynczych osób albo grup społecznych. Jeśli tak czy nasza rodzina czegoś na tym nie traci?

4. MY I NASZ BÓG – Określamy stan naszego ducha, podejście do modlitwy oraz sakramentów. Czy staramy się odczytywać wolę Bożą względem naszego życia i z ufnością ją przyjmować. Czy modlimy się za siebie nawzajem. Na jakim miejscu w naszym życiu jest wiara i ewangelizacja.

POSTANOWIENIE – Przeważnie taka rozmowa zajmuje nam około godziny, ale jeszcze nie zdarzyło się, żeby nie miała konkretnych owoców i nie wpłynęła pozytywnie na nasze życie rodzinne. W tym celu staramy się też zawsze określać konkretne ZADANIA NA KOLEJNY MIESIĄC. Wspólne dla naszej dwójki bądź indywidualne. Nie trudne, ale raczej osiągalne i mierzalne, które wniosą widoczną zmianę w nas samych.

Naprawdę WARTO znaleźć ten czas, żeby obgadać podstawowe filary małżeństwa. Być może zdarzy się tak, że macie odmienne zdanie na temat wychowania, albo do tej pory nie udało Wam się pogadać o akcie małżeńskim. Każda wiedza jest niezbędna, by uczyć się nowych rzeczy. A tym bardziej, jeśli chodzi o wzrost i rozwój Waszej relacji. Spróbuj, a nie pożałujesz… Ja dałam Ci gotowy przepis.


Receptą na udane małżeństwo wg dr Gottmana jest świadomość łączącej partnerów więzi. W chwilach kryzysu małżonkowie nie walczą ze sobą, raniąc się i poniżając, ale idą na kompromis, po to, by jak najszybciej zakończyć konflikt. Prof. Gottman jest zdania, że kłótnie (twórcze konfrontacje) są potrzebne, ponieważ nadają związkowi dynamikę, nie pozwalają na zaleganie urazów i niechęci, a świadomość wspólnej odpowiedzialności za małżeństwo jeszcze mocniej łączy partnerów.

Nie każdy to potrafi. Czasami bywa tak, że nie umiemy zakomunikować NASZYCH POTRZEB w sposób jasny i klarowny, uciekamy przed szczerą rozmową. A każda próba pogadania kończy się na wyrzutach i morałach pt. “co Ty powinieneś zrobić”. Ciągle czegoś oczekujemy, nie biorąc pod uwagę tego, że druga strona może wcale nie umieć tego wykonać albo po prostu w tej chwili nie ma na to sił czy chęci. I koło się kręci, nakręcając coraz to nowe sprzeczki. Kłócimy się i niestety często w tych naszych kłótniach gubimy “złoty środek”.

Dlatego zachęcam Cię do konkretnej, systematycznej ROZMOWY, która może być jedynym miejscem i czasem walki o miłość i jedność Waszego związku.  

OPCJA DLA CIEBIE

Pomyśl o swojej reakcji na kłótnie, może to któraś z wymienionych 4, a może mix każdej po trochu? Później umów się z ukochanym na rozmowę i podczas niej powiedz mu o tym, co przemyślałaś, wyciągnijcie wspólne wnioski i stwórzcie postanowienie, które wzmocni Waszą relację.

Poświęciłam sporo czasu, żeby stworzyć dla Ciebie ten wpis. Udało się! :) Teraz Twoja kolej? Pragnę, by to miejsce było NASZE, wspólne. W związku z tym, chcę przedstawić Ci kilka OPCJI jak możemy pozostać w kontakcie i ubogacać siebie nawzajem:

  • PODAJ DALEJ -> Jeśli ten tekst Ci się podoba i wnosi w Twoje życie konkretną wartość – podziel się nim ze znajomym.
  • SKOMENTUJ -> Zostaw proszę komentarz pod wpisem. Dla Ciebie to tylko chwila, a dla mnie istotna wskazówka.
  • FANPAGE -> Polub moją stronę na Facebooku, staram się często wrzucać tam drobne, życiowe wskazówki.
  • NEWSLETTER -> Zapisz się do Newslettera. Dzięki temu prosto na swoją skrzynkę, raz w miesiącu, będziesz dostawała garść świetnych pomysłów (najczęściej dotyczących związków i relacji).
  • INSTAGRAM -> Możesz śledzić mnie na Instagramie, gdzie oprócz wielu fajnych fotek (nie tylko moich dzieciaczków), znajdziesz całą masę ciekawych myśli i codziennych inspiracji.

1 201 Replies to “JAK ROZMAWIAĆ, ŻEBY SIĘ DOGADAĆ !?”

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